Thursday, November 8, 2012

internet binge.

So, every now and then (usually when I should already be asleep) I feel a magnetic pull towards my laptop. Before I know it, it's happening. Another internet binge.

My particular brand of internet bingeing most often surrounds a paranoid medical question. Is my hair thinning? Do my medications cause hair to thin? I was dizzy today, does that mean there's something wrong with my brain? Will I get cancer? What about when I feel shaky? Am I in the throes of some early-onset terrible disease?

About an hour or so later, I abandon the 35 tabs I've opened up in my browser. I can't read them anymore. I know it's freaking me out. So I close the laptop, but the damage is already done.

Now I'm convinced that something terrible is happening to my body and that it's going to get worse. And I don't even have other people's internet horror stories to distract me. That's when I start to feel frantic.

I look over at my boyfriend, who is sleeping peacefully on his side of the bed. I fight the urge to shake him awake and shout, "What is WRONG with you? How can you sleep when all of these terrible things are happening?!" I tell myself that it wouldn't help anything.

So I lay down too, trying to focus on an old episode of The Office to pull me out of my head and lull me to sleep. Nope. All I can think about is how I'm so unhealthy. I'm on all of these medications and I have no idea what the long-term side effects will be. I haven't been eating well enough. We still buy drinks that come in plastic bottles, the BPA must be leaching into my system. Is there too much fluoride in our tap water? The internet says there's fluoride in black tea too, should I stop drinking that? Do I need to buy distilled water? My body has undergone way too much stress. I'm too lazy. I need to be doing more yoga. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME WHY CAN'T I JUST TAKE MY VITAMINS EVERY MORNING?

You may be able to guess that these thoughts aren't so helpful on the sleep front. Aaaaaaand... that was last night.

Good morning, starshine!