Saturday, January 26, 2013

recurring theme.

Hello kids, there have been some dark days here at the rebuildery, and I've had a lot of trouble pulling myself over, under, and through despite some valiant efforts by Kevin and other people I love. I know that they wish so badly that they could just wish it all away, and I wish so badly that I could wish it all away, and you'd think that the combination of such forceful wishing would amount to something.

No dice.

Anyways, I wanted to check in and say hello, yes I am still alive, and yes I feel terribly guilty about abandoning my blog during times of struggle. I've stated before that in order to give my life some structure (and to keep interesting, if interesting is a word you'd be kind enough to use to describe what I'm doing) I'd like to post everyday. But I've found that when I try to write when I'm really depressed, it feels so forced and disingenuous. I can write through anxiety just fine-- probably because my brain won't stop whirring around anyways, but depression is another beast entirely. One that sits on your chest and blindfolds you and makes trying to write about an upholstered bench seem utterly futile.

I'm also careful about writing during these times because this is a blog, not a diary. My purpose here isn't to just unload all of my thoughts and feel better for having done it. I'd like to think that the purpose of sharing my experiences is helpful on some level; for just one person out there to read and know they're not alone in dealing with this. This being any of the smattering of things I write about: anxiety, depression, domestic violence, emotional abuse, trauma, stress... and rainbows and sunshine--I write about those too, I swear it!

And just because this is how it feels sometimes, in that lovely undergraduate sort of way, I leave you this (lyrics NSFW):

I'm going to rest up, and you do the same, and I'll see you back here soon.