Sunday, January 27, 2013

chicken, egg, nest, etc.

Was I feeling uncreative because I was depressed? Or was I depressed because I was feeling uncreative?

That's GOT to be a line uttered by a shaggy haired introspective guy in some Nick Hornby novel or accompanying film adaptation. I'm thinking Cusack, pop music, High Fidelity.

I've been pretty health-heavy on the blog here lately, so I was thinking I need to put more effort into home. So far, there's nothing to report. I haven't really worked on anything around the house lately beeause:

a) the ramp-up in order to get everything in ship shape for the Apartment Therapy tour has subsided.

b) I've been maniacally trying to pin down every detail of a wedding that's taking place a year from now (the "logic" being that if I take care of it all now, I won't have to worry about any of it again). The illogical part kicks in when I realized I've instead crammed several months of worry into one small window of day after day obsession. I do not recommend this.  Nor do I recommend worrying about a wedding at all. It is a wedding. (But oh, I have worried. I have worried to the point of frenzy.)

c) I've been feeling really depressed.

Or is it the other way around? Clutter begets clutter, whether it be of home, head, or heart. It's excruciatingly frustrating to fully be aware of the fact that doing x, y, or z will make you feel better, but to have your mind convince you that there is absolutely no possible way that you can do x, y, or z, and hell, you may not ever be able to do any of them again because this is how your life is now.

What IS this? Is it chemicals? Hormones? Genetics? Past trauma? Environment? Lack of vitamins or supplements? Too many vitamins or supplements? Anti-depressants that don't work? The wrong anti-depressant? Not working hard enough to pull myself out? Some kind of willful self-destructive streak? Laziness? Moral failure?

I know it's not those last few things. I know it's not. But it's very easy to believe them true.

Anyways, this post was supposed to be all hey dudes, I'm gonna work on some stuff around the house this week and show you what's been going on! So let's pretend that's what I said.