Snooze has decided to make a mockery of his name and is also quite confused about which month it is, as apparently he has decided to give up sleep for Lent.
I am reminded of an article a friend sent me last week and this seemed a very appropriate time to share it. I was doubled over laughing as I read my way through it. The full article is here, but here is a paraphrased version below...
Look, you're not ready to have a baby.
You're probably in your late twenties or early thirties, and you've gotten some stuff figured out, and now you're pretty sure you're "almost ready" to have a baby. But a baby is the ultimate, cosmic limit-tester of all ultimate cosmic limits, and no matter what you do to prepare, you will still find yourself thrown for a loop.
You think you're ready because you have a dog? Ugh, sorry, but no. If you want your dog to help you prepare you for an actual human baby, it only works if you have the worst dog in the universe. It has to be, like, only trainable on Thursdays and it must never eat the first three types of food you offer it. Doesn't sound like any dogs I know!
If you want to get ready for a baby, take my advice, and do the opposite of fun stuff. I'm not saying babies aren't fun, but it's not the kind of fun for which you need any practice. In fact, if I were selling my own Baby Squad Fitness Program for Actual Baby Readiness, it would come with the following drills/regimen for the entire year prior to conception. (Yes, conception! Yes, a year! Not doing anything fun while already pregnant is not actually all that hard and therefore not true readiness training).
- Practice wrestling a large, slippery fish three times a week.
- Wake up every two hours at night, punch yourself in the face, walk around for 28 minutes pleading in gibberish. Go back to "sleep." Repeat.
- Socialize with friends in 18-second increments.
- Practice asking for the check, boxing up your food and exiting a restaurant in under sixty seconds - two bites into the meal.
- Watch 38% of any film or television show. Never see the ending or resolution.
- Read the same three paragraphs of a novel once every two weeks; fall asleep.
- Shower every three to five days, but only for two minutes.
- Hire a makeup artist to make you look up to 10 years older. Look at yourself in the mirror, then laugh, cry, laugh, cry, laugh, cry. Do not go get a drink
- Pack two additional bags of random stuff to carry with you every time you leave the house.
- Stand around a tennis court and catch fly balls with one hand for two hours a day while also preparing a peanut butter sandwich.
- Practice wrestling aforementioned large, slippery fish, then dress it in seasonally appropriate outfit, including hat and/or jacket. Then go back, remove all clothing, and apply sunscreen. Re-dress fish.
- Make 24 hours of baby-crying audio. Hit play the moment you take a phone call, fire up your computer, or begin speaking any sentences to another human that contain important or useful information.
I can speak from first-hand experience, all the above only scratches the surface.
But then you realize you have a BABY...and you are a mother...and who cares if you're not ready? It's all worth it.
